Have you ever felt ya had a split personality? Or perhaps caught in a situation that seems to be a battle of the heart and the mind.
I am an extrovert yet an introvert. Though most of the times i just stone, some people say i look very cold, but i’m actually just-stoning. It’s like my mind is blank and i just dont feel like talking or greeting anyone. Not like i have a habit to say hi or bye to people. i just let people walk by and at times i’m aware of the person’s existence but i just dont have the mood to say hi, but at times i can just walk by a person without even knowing, cuz i’m stoning or in my own world. But at other times, i can go really crazy and really irritating. So irritating that jon always have to punch me, literally a punch just to stop me and we’ll get into a fight or a moment of cold stare. Sometimes, i’m appalled myself cuz i really seem to be like two different person, having two personality. And i usually get high not by drinking but by people’s laughter. I have this friend who laughs like a snake, with the tongue out. weird isnt it but it’s super contagious and i’ve another friend who has really big flat fingernails and everytime i touches her nails, i’ll get high. It’s weird, but it just hits this chord in me, a happy chord that makes me really really happy! it’s been a really really long time since i felt that way, that moment of happiness, just for that moment. it just comes and go-like the wind.
Often times, i wonder what is happiness. Seeing the failed relationships, people quarrelling, the ugliness of human beings make me lose faith in love. But then again, the sincerity, love, sacrifice and extend some will go, doing that extra mile just to put a smile on your face is really heartwarming. This brings me to the point on whether we seek happiness in a relationship or do we just stay for the mundane things or can we even or is there such thing as both? People look for different things in a relationship. For some, as long as they have feelings, that’s all it matters. Even if it’s just a momentary feeling, it’s ok. For some, it takes more than feelings, the background, status, family acceptance is crucial. Some other goes for looks, as long as a handsome guy struts her way, that’s it- i’m in love! Another might look for material wealth- can this guy buy me pretty bags and elevate my status, so i can(or for some this may not be the case) show off to the world that i’ve a rich boyfriend and am living a luxurious life, which to some is an envy of other girls. And many more. Which are you? Have you really thought why are you in a relationship for? What exactly do you like about your other half? And think, what exactly keeps a relationship going? Or even started for that matter and really, what makes you two going? And ultimately is this love?
I first dated at the age of seventeen and since then, i always have a battle between my heart and mind. The notion of feelings vs future. My first boyfriend was rich, living in a landed property with 2 dogs, having 5 cars at home cuz he dad deals with the selling of car spare parts, though many thought i went with him for the money, it was that day when i was down and he comforted me with a song that made me grew feelings and i remembered how i always cab to his place which was in the east when i stay in the west. It was an expensive ride that cost me my life almost everyday and i remembered staying up doing up a powerpoint on the composer Chopin for him cuz he took a music module in SP for his minor elective and know nuts about. Little sacrifices, spending time and money and effort on him, but things got awry in the end and i had to end off the relationship in a bad note, a quick goodbye and i moved off, very quickly. Verdict: feelings grew, not from the start and then it died, future- yes rich, but no way cuz my parents didnt like him.
Moving on, was a guy who was really sincere. His sincerity and love was all that touches me. I must say he can really give a girl all his attention and he really give very matured and sound advices, but it’s funny how he became so childish after i got with him. I guess he got both the childish and matured side but we stayed with each other for quite long although my parents objected to it. Verdict: feelings was there, future-no. Again, i ended on a bad note and i moved on.
And now jon, we have been playing a hide and seek game since i was 17. i remember even avoiding him and not fobbing him with excuses of not meeting him cuz i did not feel very comfortable in the beginning but somehow, things changed some two years back. What made me enter the relationship was that i had experience alot of feelingful relationship but not one that i felt i have a future with, one that i really do not mind to marry and to some extend, i really want to marry him. My parents liked him, everything fits, but shit happens, slight clashes of viewpoints, feelings were on and off. verdict: feelings-on/off. future- definitely.
I don’t know how many of you actually experience similar situations. Many of my friends tell me that i’m only young once and i should just not be tied down and just live a happy single life, to know more people and see the world. I really don’t know how to react to this statement. Sometimes i just feel i lack the happiness. It’s weird how come i get bored of someone after some 2 years of lifespan and then its like automatically switches off and something in me will tell me to move on. But really, i feel that the only thing that can keep two people together is the future that binds.
So what do you guys think? if given a choice to choose between feelings and future, which would you choose and is it really possible to have both on equal status?
i know i’m one hell of a confused mind and recently i feel like as if i’m undergoing puberty once again. With the outburst of pimples and increased appetite and how i start to start looking at guys for once, in school or in town. i never did but its weird how i have all these now. great, so maybe i’m becoming seventeen again!(:
ooh, i think i need to write in to aunt agony.
XOXO,
MICH
dustyswirls
